Past relationships coupled with traumatic experiences directly impact one’s future intentions, boundaries, actions and relationships, however, someone’s past does not need to define one’s future. Whether parental, romantic or platonic, past experiences affect one’s ability to build and maintain healthy relationships.
Learning from their parents, individuals tend to latch onto their behaviors regarding self-regulation. Self-regulation is the ability to understand while managing behaviors and reactions to feelings in the world around you. “The patterns you do with your children are the patterns that are solidified. Personality is solidified by age eight and the brain is structurally developed by age three,” said Associate Professor and Director of Marriage and Family Therapy Program, Scott A. Ketring, Ph.D.
According to the book Parental Conflict “Children from high-conflict homes are more likely to have poor interpersonal skills, problem-solving abilities and social competence[…] children perceive themselves and their social worlds more negatively”(Reynolds, Houstlon, Coleman & Harold, 2014). Showing that children begin learning from their parents at a developmental age and incurring the same patterns, in aspects of conflict or coping.
“If it was conflict, parental relationship-wise, I did do something wrong when I was a kid. But, I couldn’t talk back,” said Auburn University student Allie Zack. “So my thing with conflict is that I don’t want to talk, I’ll just say okay.”
Parental conflicts whether that’s with one another or with their child develop a “mold” for their child’s future relationships and perception of attachment.
However, one’s past does not need to define them. The past is a learning experience for oneself. The first step in a healthy relationship is identifying what one’s personal needs entail.“In a relationship you need to think about what are their expectations, what do I want to get out of it and what do I expect to give in relationships, and hopefully, I pick someone who values that,” said Ketring, commenting on the importance of relational needs.
“I think I expect too much at this point because I haven’t been in a relationship in a long time. I think it’s part of myself, I think I need to work on myself,” said Zack, commenting on previous traumatic relationships leading Zack to question herself. Identifying what happened in the past along with therapy can be the first step.
When asked the steps needed to be taken to help someone create trust in new relationships Ketring had only one response, therapy. “If I don’t trust you because of what my mother did to me or what a previous boyfriend did to me, I’m judging you based on another person. I need to be judging you based on your actions. What the other person did to me is a learning experience,” said Ketring.
Therapy allows one to take a step back and see an outside perspective into their own mind by navigating their feelings and working to build healthy habits.
“Mentally and emotionally healthy people tend to attract mentally and emotionally healthy people and the opposite is also common with people who are not mentally and emotionally healthy.,” said Licensed Professional Counselor Patrick O’Keefe. “Hurt people tend to hurt people.”
When a person learns to love and appreciate themself, they can identify their necessities and desires. “But if we want to change what we keep getting,…we have to change what we keep doing,” said O’Keefe. Thus going back to the point that someone’s past does not define who they are going to be in the future as long as they change the patterns and learn from them. “It is also important to understand that we cannot control people, places, and things, but we can and should control the way we respond to people, places, and things.”
Identifying individual core building blocks in a relationship is vital for lifelong happiness regardless if the relational wounds have been healed. “For anybody it’s safety. Safety builds trust.[…]The best relationships have a level of balance. How much they give and support each other,” said Ketring
Going along with the idea of balance, O’Keefe promotes the idea of a three-legged stool, the stool being the relationship supported by three building blocks representing the legs. “The building blocks are love (acting selfless towards another), acceptance (tolerating), and forgiveness (separating the person from behavior and rising above the offense so that we are not angry at the person),” said O’Keefe.
While one’s past traumatic experiences and relationships directly impact one’s future, as far as they may seem, the reigns of control are not more than an arm’s distance out of reach. Knowing what a person needs out of themselves and out of a relationship is only the start of growing to fit their future. Identifying one’s personal building blocks and giving therapy a try can be the biggest unexpected thriving points in someone’s life. A person’s past is their power.
5 Ways to Build and Maintain a Healthy Relationship/Friendship
Every relationship has its ups and downs, regardless if romantic or platonic It is important to know what both parties of the relationship need for the relationship to be healthy and indestructible. Even if you have had your fair share of broken relationships, it is vital to reflect on them and learn from experience about what worked, but additionally what did not work. Relationships involve commitment and work in order to be built and stay prosperous.
Below are the 5 focus points that are at the core of a strong and healthy relationship:
- Openness
- Relationships that have openness are more likely to have healthy communication and be able to listen and accept differing opinions. It’s important, to be honest and open with one another as it develops trust and allows both parties to be able to communicate their feelings healthily.
- Reassurance
- It is important to regularly show the person who you have a relationship with how much you care about them. If a person lacks reassurance of how much you appreciate them, they may start to form negative thoughts and believe that you don’t want them in your life anymore. Show this through words of affirmation, gift-giving or something as simple as a hug.
- Boundaries
- Set boundaries in your relationship. This goes back to the idea of openness and telling a person what you like and don’t like in a relationship. Listen to one another and speak about what is needed. Respect your independence and your personal alone time as well as theirs. This can assist with taking off any unnecessary pressure and commitment to anything that is out of your comfort zone.
- Reflect
- As mentioned, every relationship goes through its ups and downs. But, with this problem that may arise, it’s crucial to reflect on what happened. Identifying the factors that led to the fight and what you may have done to cause the problem is important. Learn how to not victimize yourself and take credit for how your actions may have hurt the other person. Reflecting on your actions will help you maintain the relationship so that a problem like that does not happen again. It allows you both to work through what each of you did, thus being beneficial to the relationship.
- Respectfulness
- R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Respect is key in any relationship. If there is no respect, then there is no need to have that person in your life. Respect should be earned, but it is also a mutual aspect of the relationship. If you have respect, that means you accept the other person for who they are, no matter what they do, and whether you agree with them or not. Respect will help build trust and give you both a safe space within the relationship.
While many key ideas contribute to building and maintaining a healthy relationship, these 5 terms are crucial. Healthy relationships provide us with happiness and overall positive mental health.
Taking care of your friendships is important to your life and daily routine. Sometimes we get lost in the stress of our lives and forget how essential it is to love your friends or significant other. Show them respect, set boundaries, reflect on past issues, be open with one another, and reassure them that you care for them. Next time you see one of your friends or your significant other, tell them you love them and hug them! They could need it more than you think.
Walk To Therapy at Auburn University
If you’re seeking help in your personal life whether as a student or just a part of the community, below is a map of places for therapy within walking distance of Auburn University. Sometimes we go through rough patches in our relationships and it’s helpful to talk to an outside source to reflect on the issues and find out if it came from past trauma or other relationships in your life. There are many places to go to near Auburn University and the Haley Center offers free counseling for students.
Social Media Plan
In the year 2023, we are in the age of social media. Technology consumes our lives and most college students today have had a phone or tablet since they were able to hold the weight of them in their hands. That is why it’s important for a student in the College of Liberal Arts to know how to utilize multimedia. Online websites and publications have created social media accounts in order to reach out to younger generations. Building an audience is one of the most crucial concepts when starting out as a writer or even as a well-known publication. Finding loyal audiences tops the list and creating content for the new generation is a way to build their trust. My paper may not be the “prettiest” for social media, but it is important for my generation to read.
I plan on using both Instagram and Twitter, now known as X, in order to reach out to the audience that this will resonate with the most. My story seems too personal to be featured in a 15-second clip on TikTok. TikTok requires viewers to have a short attention span and it is equally as difficult to include links to the stories. I think it would be more beneficial to the people that this story may resonate with to actually have access to read it and take more than just a minute to look at it. Instagram is also a place to showcase your relationships, which I must say goes hand-in-hand with the purpose of this writing piece. Twitter allows people to converse and give their opinions without hesitation. Twitter can be utilized as a “comment section” that’s separate from the blog post itself. All posts can be linked to the stories for the audience to pick and choose which segment they want to read. The social media rollout will be as follows:
**All posts will use the #mypastismypower**
Before Story Drops:
- Instagram Story (Can’t show story teaser because they disappear after 24 hours)
- Twitter Chain
- Teaser links: https://twitter.com/CaseyStutzpf
- Do you find it difficult to build and maintain healthy relationships?💞💞 #relationships #friendships #mypastismypower Let me know below! Stay tuned for more on this topic!👀
- Do you think you need to talk to someone based on your previous trauma from relationships and past experiences? 💞💞 #relationships #friendships #mypastismypower Let me know below and stay tuned for more on this topic!👀
Announcement Day:
- Instagram
- Map Caption: Sometimes we go through rough patches in our relationships and it’s helpful to talk to an outside source to reflect on the issues and find out if it came from past trauma or other relationships in your life. There are many places to go to near Auburn University whether you’re a student or just part of the community. It’s time to grow from your past and become the confident, trustworthy friend you were always meant to be. You can read more about where to talk to someone and how your past relationships truly could’ve affected you by clicking the link in my bio! #mypastismypower
- Listicle Caption: Above are 5 essential ways to ensure that you can build and maintain healthy relationships with the people around you. Having healthy relationships provides us with happiness and overall positive mental health. Taking care of your friendships is important to your life and daily routine. Sometimes we get lost in the stress of our lives and forget how essential it is to love your friends or significant other. To keep reading and find out how your past experiences truly affected your growth in new ones, click the link in my bio! #mypastismypower
- Twitter
- Map Caption: Have you ever wondered how your past traumatic experiences and relationships affected your growth in new ones? Click the link here to read more: If this resonates with you, follow the map linked above and talk to someone who can listen! #mypastismypower
- Listicle Caption: Don’t know where to start when building a healthy relationship? Follow these 5 crucial ways and read the piece here and how your past affected your future relationships. Don’t let the past be an excuse! #mypastismypower
- Instagram Story:
Follow-Up Day:
- Instagram Story
- Twitter Chain:
- Your past is your power! 💞💞 #mypastismypower Click here to read more:
- What do you think about the 5 crucial ways to build and maintain healthy relationships? 💞💞 #mypastismypower Click here to read more:
- You’re not alone on the journey of finding yourself and sifting through your past. 💞💞 #mypastismypower Click here to learn more: